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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558895">saul goodman x reader no homo uwu</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/69joemama69420/pseuds/69joemama69420'>69joemama69420</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Better Call Saul (TV), Breaking Bad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, M/M, saul goodman x reader, saul is your lawyer :), swag. swag beyond your comprehension, this is a joke, you’re in court for having committed several crimes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:09:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,702</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558895</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/69joemama69420/pseuds/69joemama69420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>you’re in court for having committed a nearly uncountable amount of crimes lmao. saul (your lawyer) gives you freedom though :). and then he gives you something else you know what i’m saying? gender ambiguous reader it don’t fucking matter have fun guys</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jimmy McGill | Saul Goodman &amp; You, Jimmy McGill | Saul Goodman/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>saul goodman x reader no homo uwu</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>so there you were standing in the courtroom with your prison uniform and handcuffs on. today is the day of your court hearing for your 12 accounts of drug possession, 13 accounts of armed burglary, 27 accounts of driving under the influence, 17 accounts of public intoxication, 37 accounts of criminal contempt of court, failure to show up to court, 16 accounts of manslaughter, 12 accounts of sexual cannibalism, numerous war crimes, cranking that stanky leg, and 69 accounts of murder. honestly, you weren’t even sure why you were arrested. you tap your foot as you wait for your lawyer to show up. you saw his phone number one time on a park bench when you were eating taco bell and throwing rocks at those dumb ass bitch ass stupid little fucking park pigeons, so he had to be legit right. he sure was taking a while.</p><p>eventually, your lawyer showed up 15 minutes late to the courtroom holding a large iced coffee in one hand and an egg sandwich from an entirely separate store in the other hand after running over a preschooler in the parking lot while trying to park his car. you were gonna keep it real with yourself chief, this man’s outfit was straight garbage. dude had on a bright ass button down shirt with a neon tie with his suit. </p><p>“There is no food allowed in the courtroom,” Boomed the judge from the front of the room. Dude was built like a sack of laundry and the top of his head looked like one of those jelly filled donuts. </p><p>“Your honor, I simply can not help being a gemini,” your lawyer said as he started chugging his iced coffee and going to town on the egg sandwich so he didn’t have to throw it away. You weren’t gonna lie, this middle aged caucasian man with a large ass forehead had throat game. </p><p>He sauntered up next to you and leaned over to whisper “this is all gonna be ok. I got this.” in your ear. </p><p>he patted you on the ass which caused your cheeks to jiggle and clap uncontrollably, echoing all throughout the courtroom. you blushed a deep red like one of those anime mfs when they see the slightest bit of titty. the lady in the corner who like writes down the shit that people say or something whatever that’s called started quoting the cacophonous clap of your cheeks. </p><p>your lawyer informed you that his name was saul goodman, and that he was such a good lawyer he was totally gonna get you out of here. if he didn’t though, you still had to pay him. man was double cheeked up on a thursday afternoon in those suit pants man. fat ass just all the way out in front of everyone and god. </p><p>the judge asked your lawyer, saul goodman, who was looking kinda sexy in a weird middle aged white father type way, to state his case.</p><p>“your honor,” he started, “my client would like to plead not guilty. if you’ll take a look at these instagram, snapchat, and facebook screenshots, you will clearly see my clients friends and family saying ‘free my homie they ain’t did nothing wrong’ and ‘#freemyboy’. i would like to plead #freemyboy.”</p><p>well, you guess you were just gonna fucking go to jail then. </p><p>“additionally, your honor, i would like to add that my client didn’t do anything they were accused of and should be released immediately.”</p><p>“Mr. Goodman,” replied the opposing lawyer dude who looked like a dick, “we have video footage of your client beating an innocent person to death outside of a home depot with a table lamp while under the influence of crack and lsd, as well as the blood tests from later that day that prove what drugs they were on.”</p><p>“Your honor, my client simply did it for the vine. Also, that video is fake and gay.” Saul Goodman replied. </p><p>The judge was banging his gavel while saying “Order!” over and over. dude looked like he was about to have an aneurism. </p><p>Saul leaned over and whispered “this guy is good,” to you. his breath smelled like egg sandwich. gross. you’d still smash though. </p><p>“your honor,” saul began again, “my client is not guilty of any of the crimes they are being accused of.”</p><p>“your client has mercilessly slaughtered numerous people.” the opposing dickhead lawyer said. you mean, shit, it was true, but he didn’t have to call you out like that. smh. you thought to yourself about ordering a drone strike on his moms house once this was all over. </p><p>“my client is simply built different,” saul replied, “those weren’t war crimes, they were gamer moments. and besides, your honor,” he continued, “my client is innocent. also, the opposing lawyers mom is gay.”</p><p>the judge called a recess and began drinking from some sort of bottle in a brown paper bag while holding his head and crying.</p><p>“gottem.” your lawyer said.</p><p>“uh.” you started. “mr. saul goodman? i don’t think i’m winning this case.”</p><p>he was startled as you began talking to him, and quickly began putting his counterfeit vbucks that he was admiring back into his pocket before responding.</p><p>“damn that’s crazy” he said.</p><p>“is there anything else that we can try?” you said to him. </p><p>“you wanna go to mcdonald’s?” he asked </p><p>“isn’t this only a five minute recess?”</p><p>“yeah?”</p><p>“yeah sure let’s go.”</p><p>he picked you up like a rag doll and put you in the passenger seat of his car. the two of you sped off to mcdonald’s as the police chased you and the preschooler saul ran over earlier smeared all over the road. </p><p>“mr. goodman-“ you started before he cut you off.</p><p>“please, just call me saul.”</p><p>“well, saul, the police are chasing us. i think i wasn’t allowed to leave that courtroom. what are we gonna do?”</p><p>“leave it to me. i saw how to get rid of the police chasing me one time in grand theft auto.”</p><p>he parked his car hidden behind a bush for about five minutes while the police looked around confused for him. once they all gave up and left, he pulled into an auto shop place and had his car spray painted hot pink so they wouldn’t be able to find him again.</p><p>“there,” he said “since we hid behind that bush for a couple minutes and the police gave up and left, all of our stars went away. that means the police won’t be looking for us anymore and you’re cleared of all crimes.”</p><p>“wow, thank you saul.” you said to him. you borrowed his phone to call a drone strike on the house of that dickhead lawyer who kept snitching on you’s mom. just gonna straight obliterate his moms house from the face of the earth. that should show him. </p><p>“yeah haha so what do you want from mcdonald’s” he said as he pulled in the drive through.</p><p>“uhhhhh can i get a travis scott burger.”</p><p>“sure,” he said while paying the person at the little shitty slidy window thing in counterfeit vbucks. “i’m going to get a fifty piece chicken nugget meal.”</p><p>he parked in a dark alley so the two of you could enjoy your respective meals in peace.</p><p>“thank you again for freeing me saul,” you said while deepthroating your travis scott burger.</p><p>“any time” he responded, using some napkins with the constitution printed on him to wipe his face. you weren’t sure why we was wiping his face. the drive through people gave him all sorts of sauce, but he was just eating his 50 piece chicken nuggets dry as fuck. </p><p>when he finished his meal, you asked, “hey, what do you have all that mcdonald’s sauce for if you weren’t even going to use it on your nuggets?”</p><p>“to use it on you, of course,” he responded with a smug smile.</p><p>“huh?” you asked. </p><p>he opened his door. “bend over the back of the car and i’ll show you.”</p><p>well, this may as well happen anyways, you thought. you bent over the back of the car with both hands on the trunk and your legs spread eagle, like when the cops wanted to pat you down to see if you had any contraband on you, like any body parts of those people you be committing sexual cannibalism with. god, why can’t they just let you live your life? </p><p>he pulled down your ugly ass orange prison pants and opened one of the containers of that honey mustard sauce or whatever tf it’s called. he poured it on your left asscheek and slurped it back up. afterwards, you could hear him unzip his pants, and he pulled out his huge gargantuan scrumptious meat. he slapped you with it a couple times and poured some sauce onto it as lube before dicking you down doggystyle as you were bent over the back of his car. it kinda burned, and you weren’t sure if it was from the sauce or one of your numerous stds, but you were happy to ignore the pain for him, the pleasure outweighing it very much anyways. </p><p>after a couple hours or whatever saul busted a nut inside you and pulled out. his nut dripped onto your light up sketchers.</p><p>“oh no, not my light up sketchers.” you cried.</p><p>“hey i’m sorry kid-“ he started before a loud noise interrupted him, followed by a dripping red exit wound bullet hole appearing on his forehead. he collapsed to the ground. </p><p>you turned around in shock, looking for the person who shot saul in the head, still naked from the waist down and dripping semen everywhere, but not caring. </p><p>It was the opposing lawyer from earlier. ykno, the guy who you called a drone strike on his moms house. he looked pissed. </p><p>like saul filled your body with a travis scott burger and large quantities of his nut, this man filled your body with lead, creating bullet holes all over your body. you fell to the ground next to saul, dead. the lawyer nae naed on your corpses and put his balls on both of your foreheads before leaving. </p><p>the end :3</p>
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